I Worry .... #1, vw

 

I  just finished filing the Fishtrap writing course that I took virtually throughout November. We had one last assignment to finish after course closure. I think it might be a fitting post for the last day of 2021 in our Old Women Blog.

The final assignment was to write an essay, using one sentence about "your worry/whatever you are struggling with". We had arrived at our individual "prompt" through various writing tools presented during the course. My one sentence ended up being:

I worry about death and all the myriad details that comprise my departure from this beautiful planet.

        Do I worry about “death”, or “dying”? Of course. I’m not looking forward to dying; I can’t imagine the horror of struggling for that last breath. But do all living beings struggle for that last breath? My mother didn’t struggle to breathe at her death.

        No. I don't really worry about death. I will have no control over the time or th circumstance. Rather, I worry about the myriad details that require living to the end. I've found physical aging is all they say it is, except "golden years." I saw a T-shirt in a catalog yesterday that said, "I can't believe I'm the same age as old people." Yes, I'm trapped in this body that is obviously deteriorating. And the word is "trapped"; not my word, but a very good one.

        My worry: that this body may not carry me to the end in a manner acceptable to me. Every day I wake up sore and stiff. Now I take 5 prescriptive pills, whereas formerly I needed only an occasional antibiotic or a couple of Tylenol. I find myself staggering along. Can this be me? I straighten up as far as I can and rest my neck muscles by looking down. Ye gods, when did my hair get so thin?

        But enough whining and lamentation. I still have my mind, or most of it anyway. I have more time to direct and develop my thoughts. Maybe it's time to live like the John Prine song, "... (to) live down deep within my head. Where long ago I made my bed ...." I think of the things I enjoy. There are so many good books yet to read; so many awesome winter sunrises to watch from behind the double glass doors, cozy in my warm house. So many good visits with my daughters and family, friends to share with, and delightful acquaintances yet to meet. Many more occasions to enjoy the antics of my animal family, my "pack". Time to feel and love the earth around me.

        Are these blessings filled with enough joy to comprise "gold"? Then fill my years with them and I will try to walk forward with courage. 

Commitment to Ageing with Purpose (cw)

 

For me, this Fall time has been one impacted by turmoil, political, the pandemic and my thoughts as I approached, and passed my 82^nd birthday.

Years ago, at the Alaskan Healing Gatherings held in early summer I accepted stakes. The ceremony was based on the plains Indians who would stake themselves to the ground as a commitment to fight to the death. These stakes were given as symbols of our fight for healing for our families, communities, and the world. The first one was my initial commitment; I accepted the others as a renewal and reaffirmation of that vow.

That time of ceremony continues to influence my life. With our move to the lower 48 and my separation from the heart friends and companions of those times, I struggled as I looked for how to keep those promises. In some part of my being I accepted that the sense of lost-ness, loneliness and struggle was part of a necessary process.

And, as is so often with life, with Spirit, when I came to that point, I became willing to open my eyes, to listen. Answers began to come ~ life began to change.

As I approached a birthday, I realized that struggle had come again. As an older person and alone, I again look for new ways to carry on my life’s calling and commitment.

Alaska was my place of calling, a place of visions. Living in Alaska was a wonderful thing ~ a blessed time. It opened me to new experiences and to new realities, to come to realize that the energy of life, of my life, is sheer potentiality. I found Adventure waited for me, so many opportunities, people who blessed and challenged me. I was stretched to go far beyond anything my imagination could even begin to dream of ~ to do so much more than I thought myself capable of ever doing.

 I want ~ I need ~ to remind myself of all that during this passage which, right now, with all the tumult of this year, sometimes has seemed a bleak and barren place, but I also know there are also so many opportunities ~ with time to think, time to look at how to live ~ how do I live ~ during this time in my life as an old woman, during this time of all that is taking place around me.

I’m coming to see perhaps challenging Cultural Legacies may become a primary focus, not only in my writing, but in my own thinking as I study, think and learn. Dr. Neil de Grosse Tyson’s thoughts in the series Comos, along with Mirabai Starr and Mathew Fox’s course “Julian of Norwich A Bold, Gentle Visionary on Living in a Time of Pandemic” excite me! They fill me with thoughts, fill me with “what if’s”, leave me with a sense of purpose and joy! There are not enough years for me to learn all the wonderful things there are!!

 I’m not finished with the theme of ceremony, but, during this season approaching Solstice ~ with all her sacred ceremonies, of celebrations ~ it seemed fitting to share these thoughts with you.

 Shalom Peace and joy to you!

How Do I Consciously Decide to Live? (cw)

 

Today it is hard for me to hold on to the truths in the following words.  A dear woman I’ve known for years has died suddenly. At my age this happens! It takes my breath away. I am feeling very vulnerable, very fragile.

Earlier today, also, I had a long phone visit with another dear friend as we shared our concern and grief over a friend of more than forty-five years who is stuck in anger, grief and denial so much so their aging is lonely and painful, in part, at least, for their lack of being able to accept, to let go!

I am filled with grief ~ so I write.  

We watch small children as they learn how to turn over, to crawl, to walk and rejoice in their expanding word of possibilities, of learning, of new experiences.

As we age, moving to that time of the next great transition we call dying, the reverse begins to assert itself, abilities begin to be lost, life opportunities and functions begin to constrict and as loved ones and companions die we ~ I ~ must look, again, at my choices.

How do I continue to find my life’s purpose and love and joy, during this time? How do I consciously decide to live?

If there is one life teaching I wish we would all learn at a young age it is life throws all kinds of challenges at us. Instead of fearing them I wish I’d learned when younger that how we meet them and how we deal (or learn to deal) with them is our greatest opportunity for learning, that “happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.”[1] .

It causes me grief when I hear someone saying (and I hear it far too often) that they are too old to change or they’re too old to learn. I hope~ I want ~ to always look on life as an exciting school ~ even when filled with difficulty or pain. Hopefully, we will be wise enough to be open to all the “becoming” life holds for us ~ in this life and beyond. I learned (and today, trying to keep reminding myself) that it’s never too late to start ~ to start again. God’s grace continues to open doors.

May I always have the eyes to see all the opportunities which come to me.

No matter what our age, we need to have a dream ~ or dreams! We must have passion! We also need to have “back up” dreams upon which to focus. The younger we are when we learn this, the better our life.  I didn’t learn to dream, nor did I have a dream which called forth the energy of my passion until I was in my middle years.  I pray that the new generation ~ and those yet to be yet born will ~ grow up with dreams and confidence enough in themselves to pursue those dreams, that they will be willing to look for and try new endeavors which can help them expand their awareness and life horizons. I hope they will know ~ or learn ~ that failure is just part of the process of life and that we often learn our best lessons from those times we fail.

Learning this when younger help us live creatively no matter where we are in life.

I want everyone to know to what heights all human beings are capable! We don’t have to be a genius to tap into the wonderful universe which guides and holds us ~ which will help us achieve all the dreams we are capable of giving our energy and passion to. I love a prayer in the New Zealand’s Night Prayer Service[2] which says: “Our help is in the name of the eternal God, who is making [3]the heavens and the earth.”  

May we always consciously choose to be co-creators with the eternally new-making Creator.

Writing these words is how I made a ceremony for today.

Shelah!

---

[1] Margaret Lee Rurback

[2] Anglican

[3] Emphasis mine

I’m still thinking of purpose (vw)

 … and I loved your inspiring story, Carol, of the “elderly letter writer.” Sweet! … draws me back to The Book of Joy by Desmond Tutu and Tenzin Gyatso (Dalai Lama) with Douglas Abrams which I listed on our favorite readings profile. I think of my own precious aunt, Abba, who sent beautiful cards and loving notes to distanced family and friends. She was probably one of the most joyful and generous persons I have ever known.

 I love the synergy that always seems to arise from action

 This morning a pop-up occurred when I blasted off into the internet. I want to pass it along because it reiterates the advice you shared in one of our conversations about “taking the first steps.” Steve Jobs confirms it beautifully. Aren’t you the wise woman? You’re in good company!

 https://getpocket.com/explore/item/steve-jobs-said-1-thing-separates-successful-people-from-everyone-else-and-will-make-all-the?utm_source=pocket-newtab

 This concept is so motivating -  that I don’t need to define my goal to begin my journey! I have a little note card posted on my fridge that gives me a nudge and a chuckle every time I see it:

“You can’t make footprints in the sands of time if you’re sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?” Thank you, Bob Moawad!